Welcome to the 16th edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
The European Super League is back, hurrah!
Madrid-based A22 Sports have revived their plan to ruin football forever and make Real Madrid even richer. Excellent news.
They’re back with a new proposal, one which involves teams actually having to qualify for the competition — a novel approach which won’t catch on.
They’ve also come up with some new names for the league and its divisions. But how? Well, Row Z has managed to track down a transcript from the meeting where the names were finalised.
Brand exec one: “Right, the European Super League didn’t go too well. Mass protests, condemnation and ridicule. We need a revamp. Basically, we need a name that’s going to unify fans into getting behind us. Any ideas?
(silence in the room)
Brand exec two: “Chad, I couldn’t help but notice you mentioned the word ‘unify’ there. Well — and bear with me here — how about we call it… the Unify League?”
Brand exec one: “Good lord, you are good. You are so good. Unify League… YES! I love it. We want to unify and it’s a league. It totally works. Harness that creative blue-sky spark and tell me what names we should have for our four divisions.
Brand exec two: “Division 1, 2, 3 and 4?”
Brand exec one: “Yawn! Come on, the names don’t need to make sense. We just need them to reflect brilliance and excellence at every turn.”
Brand exec two: “Hmmm. Well, I was watching The Apprentice the other day and they were trying to come up with some names for their teams. You’ll probably laugh but they said: ‘Star’, ‘Gold’, ‘Blue’ and ‘Union’.”
Brand exec one: Oh my god, that’s it! You’re a genius! They make absolutely no sense on one level but are totally perfect on another.”
Brand exec two: “Plus they’ll trick people into thinking that we’ve actually given this some thought.”
Brand exec one: “It’s literally like we’re the same person.”
Brand exec two: “Grande soy matcha green tea cream frappuccino blended beverage to celebrate?”
Brand exec one: “Just try to stop me.”
Ange Postecoglou channelled his inner Russell Crowe from Gladiator when asking after Tottenham Hotspur’s 4-3 Carabao Cup victory over Manchester United: “Are you not entertained?” he asked a Sky Sports reporter post-match.
Stirring stuff — all that was missing was a tunic and shield. Probably for the best.
But what other famous film taglines or quotes are relevant right now? Allow Row Z to go all Barry Norman.
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Gone with the Wind): Daniel Levy putting up ticket prices again.
“I’ve been a poor man and I’ve been a rich man. And I choose rich every f***ing time!” (The Wolf of Wall Street): As above.
“Who will survive and what will be left of them?” (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre): Spurs’ squad after next summer’s likely transfer cull.
“Sixty per cent of the time, it works every time.” (Anchorman): Postecoglou justifying his tactics.
Postecoglou will have his vengeance… in this life or the next (Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)
“I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” (The Departed): Postecoglou to Timo Werner at Rangers last week.
“You shall not pass!” (The Lord of the Rings): Fraser Forster against Manchester United.
“Nothing spreads like fear.” (Contagion): Whenever Spurs go 2-0 up.
“The longer you wait, the harder it gets.” (The 40-year-old Virgin): That trophy wait just keeps going.
“An adventure 65 million years in the making.” (Jurassic Park): Documentary title for when said trophy drought ends.
“Not the bees!” (The Wicker Man, 2006): Spurs head to Brentford on February 2.
It was a memorable yet confusing week at Wolverhampton Wanderers, who produced a sacking for the ages by issuing Gary O’Neil with the dreaded vote of confidence just 72 hours before sacking him.
Everything had looked pretty united at Molineux on December 12 when chairman Jeff Shi gave his full support to O’Neil, despite O’Neil overseeing just four league wins since February ahead of a must-not-lose relegation six-pointer at home to Ipswich Town. Great idea, to be fair.
“While he knows that improving our results quickly is essential for everyone associated with the football club, we are united in supporting him as all of us strive to make that progress happen,” Shi told the Express & Star.
However, Wolves were temporarily less united on December 15 when O’Neil was sacked after a 2-1 home defeat to Ipswich Town.
And then, on December 19, it was time for the new guy to feel some of that unification when Shi welcomed Vitor Pereira to Molineux and, yes, gave him his full support too.
Vitor Pereira is the new man in charge at Wolves (Ricardo Moreira/Getty Images)
He said: “We have full confidence in his ability to guide us back on track, alongside the players and staff, and the entire club will be united in supporting him to achieve success.”
He may have had more clubs than Tiger Woods, etc, but Pereira will definitely be backed by a club united in supporting him. Until they sack him.
Also sacked this week: Russell Martin at Southampton. You know they’ve agonised over it when a club begins its sacking statement with “We have taken the difficult decision…”
It was impossible for Martin to survive a cataclysmic Sunday evening at St Mary’s, during which fans sang for them to give him a wave and he responded with a thumbs up. Then they booed him.
There’s just no coming back from that.
It was sad, though, to see Southampton supporters turn on one of their own players, with left-back Ryan Manning harshly singled out for particular criticism from one group of fans.
(Dan Istitene/Getty Images)
Ian Holloway may not be too far behind O’Neil and Martin in the sack race.
In case you missed it, Holloway is now at Swindon Town, and things aren’t going too well.
Swindon are 22nd in League Two, they have earned just five points from seven games since Holloway took over and he reckons a haunted training ground might be one of the reasons behind their poor form.
Also to blame: the fans. Well, one fan in particular anyway, who Holloway called out after last weekend’s 1-0 defeat to Bradford City.
“I lost my rag with one of our fans blaming everybody again,” Holloway said. “It’s ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. We’re not gonna get out of trouble if you do that, mate. And even if you have come a long way, any chance of encouraging us?
“If you’re upset with it, I’m sorry (but) don’t come away again. And anybody else who was around him, am I gonna give you a cherry for coming all the way up here? No, that’s your choice.”
Lovely stuff.
For the record, Swindon have won one away game in the league all season. In fact, they only won three on the road last season, giving them a record of four wins, 12 draws and 18 defeats in 34 away matches since August last year.
But you do you, Ian. If in doubt, blame the haunted training ground or your own fans. That’ll end brilliantly.
And finally this week, Birmingham City beat Bristol Rovers 2-0 to continue their promotion charge in League One.
However, their win was almost derailed by one of their own stewards, who we can only presume supports either Bristol Rovers or Aston Villa, judging by how he tried to stop play just before Birmingham scored (keep your eye on the bottom of the screen).
Goals at home this season really do hit different… 🔵🔊 pic.twitter.com/oOoyqxHsHR
— Birmingham City FC (@BCFC) December 16, 2024
(Top photo: Justin Tallis/AFP via Getty Images)
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