Row Z: England’s ‘dark day’, Salah’s maritime border and how Haaland’s baby will affect FPL

By
James BAOUCH
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Welcome to the ninth edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.

From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the sport we all love…

Thomas Tuchel is the new England head coach! And Anthony Barry is his assistant!

The reaction has been excessive in many ways, as you’d imagine. And a number of people and organisations didn’t disappoint by reacting exactly as you’d expect them to.

Daily Mail: “This is a dark day for English football. We are the laughing stock of the world game.”

Rio Ferdinand: “My guy Tommyyy Tuchel the new England manager… love it!”

Coventry Telegraph: “Former Coventry City midfielder appointed Thomas Tuchel’s England assistant.”

Danny Mills: “Often we see him in a hoodie and a cap on the sidelines, will that be his managerial stance as England manager? That’s not really something we’re used to, it’s always a suit, effectively, and looking very, very smart.”

Carabao Cup: “The new England boss! Let’s take a look at Thomas Tuchel’s Carabao Cup record.”

Tuchel being German may or may not be important to you, but Barry’s nationality definitely seems to be an important bit of information for the Football Association to convey.

How many times did their official press release mention the word ‘English’ or ‘Englishman’ when referring either to Barry, or Tuchel’s time in England? Just the six.

Tuchel may be foreign, but he happens to possess an overwhelmingly English trait; he’s the only German in the history of football with a 100 per cent track record of losing penalty shootouts at Wembley. As English as fish and chips.

The FA also stated Tuchel signed his contract on October 8 — ie, before England’s games in this international break against Greece and Finland.

Ergo, interim coach Lee Carsley’s decisions to play Jude Bellingham as a false nine, pick three No 10s (and two wingers) in the same side, and to stick Trent Alexander-Arnold at left-back for the first time in his 350-match career were seemingly done purely for banter purposes.

Lee, you’re alright, you.


Lee Carsley – banter merchant? (Justin Setterfield/Getty Images)

Elsewhere over the October break, the award for most inappropriate outrage at an opposition team “celebrating like they won the World Cup” goes to Hong Kong manager Ashley Westwood.

Englishman Westwood — no, not the former Aston Villa and Burnley midfielder, but the ex-Crewe Alexandra and Sheffield Wednesday defender — oversaw a disappointing 1-0 friendly defeat away in Liechtenstein.

Liechtenstein’s ecstatic bench personnel jumped onto the pitch and hugged each other when the full-time whistle blew.

It may have only been a friendly but Liechtenstein, who lost to San Marino last month, hadn’t won a football match for four years. If you’re only going to win once every four years, surely that’s the perfect excuse to celebrate like you’ve won the World Cup.

“Liechtenstein were time-wasting, trying to keep the ball in the corner,” Westwood fumed to reporters afterwards. “And when the final whistle went, I thought the Liechtenstein bench thought they’d won the World Cup final because they were delighted for the win.”

Westwood’s Hong Kong were backed in Vaduz by an impressive away following of 300 supporters.

Row Z can’t help but feel, though, that they piled the pressure onto their players with a large banner behind the goal.

Wherever you think Graeme Souness might be going with his thoughts on whether Mohamed Salah will leave Liverpool, you won’t be prepared for what’s next.

“Would it surprise me if Salah stayed?” Souness pondered.

“Slightly. Because I think there would be huge appeal to him, as an Egyptian and a Muslim, in earning astronomical money for the next three or four years in Saudi Arabia, the cradle of Islam and a country which has a maritime border with his own.”

What was your “game’s gone” tipping point? When players started swapping shirts at half-time? When Fabio Capello banned ketchup? When fans started making signs asking players for their shirts?

Perhaps you haven’t reached your personal game’s-gone nadir yet. If not, this might be it.

Charlton Athletic of League One, English football’s third tier, have announced YouTuber Mark Goldbridge will attend their match against Wrexham next weekend and, well, talk about it, from the CharltonTV studio. And people can watch him talk about it. The south-east London club are calling it a “first-of-its-kind” event, presumably having never watched Sky Sports’ Fan Zone back in the day.

Accompanying the announcement was a press release for the ages.

“Expect the classic Goldbridge wit and passion as he shares his real-time reactions to all the twists and turns of the match,” Charlton claimed. The live watchalong will bring fans “right into the heart of the action”, but presumably only if your idea of being into the heart of the football action involves not actually watching football.

Club CEO Charlie Methven, of Sunderland ‘Til I Die fame, chimed in: “Without any persuasion from us, Mark saw for himself what Charlton is all about – authentic, real, ‘vinyl football’ – and he wanted to bring that experience to his massive audience.

“Football today can sometimes feel like it has lost its soul, especially in the Premier League where young fans are priced out or can’t even get tickets. Here at Charlton, we want to offer something different – an authentic matchday experience.”

Sometimes the punchlines write themselves.

Manchester City striker Erling Haaland and his partner Isabel are expecting their first child next year after announcing she is pregnant.

Or, as they say in modern football parlance…

There are only certain international fanbases you can rely on to come up with a suitable riposte to their team’s new shirt sponsor being Sky.

The Irish duly delivered.

Discussions are ongoing as to whether the Premier League will introduce half-time interviews with players or managers next season.

You can just imagine the insight viewers will get.

Pep Guardiola

Interviewer: “Pep, 2-1 down at home to Brentford and you’ve had a player sent off, what are your thoughts?”

Guardiola: (looks up from the floor directly into the interviewer’s eyes with a beaming smile) “I’m so happy, really.”

Interviewer: “And what do you make of the referee’s performance?

Guardiola: (smile becoming slightly crazed) “Honestly, it’s just perfect. Perfect.”

Sean Dyche

Interviewer: “Sean, how have things gone so far today?”

Dyche: “Well the minimum requirement is maximum effort, but I’ve put in the hard yards and secured some Oasis tickets.”

Ange Postecoglou

Interviewer: “Ange, you’re 4-0 down to Crystal Palace, you’ve had two players dismissed and you’ve got six forwards on the field, any plans for a different approach in the second half?”

Postecoglou: “Look, I don’t think you know me very well if you’re going to ask a question like that, mate.”

Erik ten Hag

Interviewer: “Erik, tough first half, 3-0 down at home to Ipswich. How do you think it’s going?”

Ten Hag: “It is clear, yes, but I think this is an ignorant question because I won two trophies.”

Guess which manager in League One has received more yellow cards than Cambridge United have points in the same division this season?

Steve Evans, of course! Three already for the Rotherham United boss, who was also booked during their warm-up friendly against Grimsby Town and has already served a touchline ban for an FA misconduct charge.

Why was he booked during last weekend’s 3-3 draw against Peterborough United? “For raising my arms and shouting, ‘Penalty!’”, Evans claimed. “It’s a new one on me.”

Peterborough’s official X account summed it up succinctly.

And finally this week, all managers could take lessons on honesty from Michael Birmingham.

The Horndean manager wasn’t best pleased with his team’s performance in losing 4-0 against Raynes Park Vale in the eighth-tier Isthmian League South Central.

If, for whatever reason, you can’t view the above video where you are, here are some written highlights.

  • “I just hope our players have got plenty of Sudocrem at home because they’ve had their a***s slapped.”
  • “I’ve got four token gestures as a centre-forward.”
  • “The only positive to come out of that: I had a cracking pasty before the game. That was about it.”
  • “All my lot, they ain’t got no standards, they don’t give a s***.”

Club-media interviewers have a tough gig in terms of having to think on their feet and ask the right things when faced with emotional managers, but come on, you’ve got to follow that up with the key question: ‘And what was in the pasty?’

(Top photo: Eddie Keogh – The FA/The FA via Getty Images)



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