Euro 2024 bingo: Meltdowns, ‘sweating’, Salt Bae and an inevitable Ronaldo strop

Euro 2024 is here, and already some of the classic elements of any big football tournament have shown themselves.

In many ways, it’s one of the most comforting parts of a summer competition: the fact that there are beats that are hit every couple of years, moments and incidents that we see every time these jamborees roll around.

So fill up your bingo cards and cross off all of the following as they happen…

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Big team has meltdown/mutiny/intra-squad feud

This is a good one because it can take many forms.

It could be a simple collapse of a formerly great footballing empire, like Germany in 2018 or Spain in 2014. It could be a row/schism between players or factions within a squad, like the Netherlands at Euro 96. Or it could be a full, public and undignified mutiny, where everything falls apart, everyone ends up blaming each other and the recriminations last for years, like France in 2010. Whatever its form, there’s something undeniably funny about one of the big boys imploding, so this is one to look forward to.

Illness scare

There’s nothing that scares fans more than rumours of some sort of sickness bug sweeping through the camp. This time it was France, who were HIT with a FLU VIRUS scare ahead of their first game, leading to images akin to stricken players laying on stretchers, weakly waving their hands at a passing nurse.

Perhaps it’s something to do with the word ‘virus’, which movies have taught us means an unstoppable malady that will sweep through everyone within hours and decimate the team, but in reality probably just means a bit of a sniffle that leads to a few players missing a training session.

Grim England goalless draw in the group stages

The Netherlands at the 1990 World Cup. Nigeria in 2002. Algeria in 2010. Costa Rica in 2014. The USA in 2022. It’s a tradition as old as time, and one that England even stuck to when they won the World Cup, playing out a 0-0 against Uruguay in the opening game in 1966.

You can almost guarantee that one England group game will end in a tedious, bleak, utterly stultifying stalemate that will leave anyone who watched wondering what on earth they are doing with their lives, and inspire a national existential crisis with doom predicted. Enjoy!

Amusing fan becomes minor celebrity

Do you remember that Switzerland fan from Euro 2021? The bespectacled young man who was pictured wailing in despair as his boys were losing to France, but then later snapped shirtless, roaring into the night with joy after they won on penalties? He became a meme and was later given free tickets for Switzerland’s next game, complete with flights on SwissAir, appeared on Swiss TV and starred in an advert for the Women’s Euros in 2022. Funny old life, isn’t it?

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Salt Bae

Mr Bae — Nusret Gokce to his mum — recently said in an interview that he wouldn’t repeat his antics of the 2022 World Cup when he found his way onto the pitch after Argentina’s triumph and literally grabbed the trophy out of the players’ hands. But do we believe that? The man cannot help himself, and as soon as he gets even a whiff of the celebrity attached to the tournament, he’ll show up.

Manager sacked midway through tournament

This actually hasn’t happened very often.

Tunisia sacked their coach during the 1998 World Cup, and so did South Korea at the same tournament. But, famously, Ivory Coast dispensed with the services of Jean-Louis Gasset at the recent Africa Cup of Nations, bringing in Emerse Fae to replace him, and it worked beautifully as they won the tournament on home soil.

Could someone take inspiration from them at this tournament? Hopefully.

Big nation ‘sweating’ on fitness of star player

There will be at least one superstar at this tournament who should not be here. They will have sustained an injury a few weeks ago and should be resting rather than being pressed into service because their nation demands it.

This time, take your pick from Harry Kane, Nicolo Barella, Aurelien Tchouameni, Leroy Sane, Robert Lewandowski and a clutch of other big names. You can combine this with a slightly obscure body part you didn’t really know anything about before, but subsequently become an expert in: the metatarsal, the hip flexor, the adductor.

Attempt to use an animal as a method of prediction

Oh, Paul the Psychic Octopus. You have a lot to answer for. The mystic cephalopod, who became a worldwide sensation during Euro 2008 after apparently correctly predicting the results of Germany’s games (actually, he got four out of six right; decent, but not exactly a clairvoyant) was the start of a biannual craze as during every tournament, with someone trying to get everyone believing in a new animal prophet.

Remember Leon the porcupine? Mani the parakeet? No, probably not, and that’s how it should probably stay.

(Editor note: sorry Nick, this one has gone already. Goaliath the 8kg tortoise from Berlin Zoo picked Scotland to beat Germany. As did Theo the tapir in Munich.)

The ‘It’s coming home…’ debate

Brace yourself for some truly spirit-crushing discourse. Ever since ‘Three Lions’, the England anthem from Euro 96, was revived as a sort of rallying cry at the 2018 World Cup, there has been regular debate over whether the meaning behind the song was an expression of English exceptionalism or an ironic and self-deprecating method of coping with the hype.

If you’re English, expect at least one person to ask “Is it coming home?” before the end of the tournament. Do not be afraid to simply turn around and walk away.

Non-English fans being boisterous but everyone loves them for it

The essentials are basically the same: English-speaking fans descend on a country, drink a huge amount of alcohol and make their presence felt by being really, really loud. But there’s a big difference when it’s England fans, as opposed to Welsh, Irish, Northern Irish or Scottish, all of whom carry with them a sort of lovable air, the sense that they’re just having a good time with no malign intent.

Whereas when England are in town, there’s always a fear that a bar is going to get smashed up. Fair? Perhaps not, especially for the many England fans who just want to have a nice time and watch football. But then again, you don’t often see fans of any other nation shove a firework into an intimate orifice, do you?

‘Dark horse’ turns out to be a colossal disappointment

Asking people to pick out a ‘dark horse’ is always a slightly rum business, because by their nature a ‘dark horse’ aren’t going to be among the favourites, and are thus likely to exit at a slightly early stage.

Historically, the teams that have gone surprisingly far in tournaments have been ones that aren’t tipped by anyone at the start — but some combination of luck, unexpected good play and serendipity takes them deep. But as anyone who declared that Turkey were the shrewd tip for Euro 2020 knows, trying to pick someone out for this one is a foolish game.

Someone says ‘Never write off the Germans’

The context is important here, because it will very frequently be said when nobody has written off the Germans, what with them being hosts and one of the best teams at the tournament, as demonstrated in their win against Scotland. But someone, at some point will nod sagely and wryly remind us that we should not write off the Germans.

And, to be fair, you should never write off the Germans.

A new ‘refereeing directive’ is put in place

International tournaments often feel as much like they’re testing grounds for new approaches to officialdom as festivals of the game. This time, fans inside the stadium will apparently be given detailed summaries of the logic behind VAR decisions, and any player other than the captain who approaches the referee will be booked. Which will last at most three games, we predict.

Cristiano Ronaldo flounces off after being substituted/dropped

You can see why Cristiano Ronaldo thinks he’s still important. Fifty goals in a season, as he has managed in the campaign just finished, is not to be sniffed at, regardless of where you score them. He’s been banging them in for his national team, too. He’s also their captain. But there will be times when Portugal need a striker who, you know, moves around a bit, so Ronaldo will inevitably be hooked or left out at some stage.

At which point, you can expect a tantrum, him throwing down an item of clothing in disgust, a great big sulking face and possibly even him stomping down the tunnel in disgust, as he did at the World Cup. It will be undignified, but crucially it will be very funny.

The ball

Much as a bad workman blames their tools, so a poorly performing footballer blames the football. Infamously, the Jabulani ball used at the 2010 World Cup was roundly panned for being unpredictable and wildly changing direction in mid-air, and you often hear boasts from manufacturers of some grand technological improvement.

This time, for the Euro 2024 ball — the ‘FUSSBALLLIEBE’ — it’s a special chip which allows the officials to judge the precise moment, down to the millisecond, when the ball has been kicked, which in theory will be useful for VAR and so forth. Test assured, you will be hearing all about the ball in some way.

Leaked stories of dissatisfaction with a training camp

It’s too remote. It’s too close to the city. The rooms aren’t big enough. The players are bored. It’s too noisy. There’s a pop concert nearby. The general public has been allowed in. The training facilities are not up to scratch. The food is terrible. It’s miles away from where the team are actually playing.

At some point, you will read a carefully leaked story that features at least one, perhaps even three or four of those complaints from a squad, probably one that has started the tournament badly, which will explain their failure.

(Top photo: Cristiano Ronaldo during Portugal’s match against South Korea at the World Cup in 2022; by Jung Yeon-je/AFP via Getty Images)