Row Z: Mbappe and Deschamps, everything’s fine – plus Gerrard discovers his inner Brent

By
James BAOUCH
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Welcome to the 12th edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.

From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love… 

Are there any problems between Kylian Mbappe and Didier Deschamps?

Absolutely not.

What could possibly be weird about Deschamps leaving France’s all-time top goalscorer out of his squad?

“I took this decision for this camp here because I think that it’s better like that,” Deschamps said.

But he’s the captain too. And their best player. And he’s not injured.

“Kylian wanted to come,” Deschamps insisted. “It’s not going to be interpreted. I repeat: it’s my decision because I think it’s better like that. I’m not going to tell you more.”

Definitely, absolutely, in no way is there anything to see here.

It’s not been the best of weeks for Steven Gerrard.

His struggling Al-Ettifaq side lost again in the Saudi Pro League last weekend to Al Qadsiah, leaving them 11th in the table, only four points above the drop zone. He was booed by disgruntled fans.

Gerrard – who also had a good laugh with his mate Jamie Carragher about his unimaginable Saudi wages on The Overlap (“the bills are alright at the moment”) – had to defend himself for making a joke about fitting Al-Ettifaq training sessions around watching Liverpool games.

The comment was made during a recent charity event, when Gerrard was asked if he and ex-Liverpool goalkeeper coach John Achterberg were keeping up with Liverpool’s progress.

“Myself and John have always got one eye on it,” he said. “We’ve put all our schedule around the Liverpool games! The players are onto me now – we’ve been training at eight or nine at night!”


Steven Gerrard – not having the best of weeks (Yasser Bakhsh/Getty Images)

Gerrard’s very serious defence of his joke this week (far more robust than Al-Ettifaq’s defence, anyway) needed some David Brent subtitles.

“I was on a podcast trying to raise money for a children’s charity to make the charity survive and continue.”

There are people starving in the world, which I hate.

“I was asked if I still followed Liverpool and I said ‘Of course I still follow Liverpool.’ They played a huge part in my life and shaped me as a player, person and coach.”

Probably an entertainer fourth.

“My main concern is this job and trying to make this club as good as possible, on and off the field. I am all-in and I will continue to be all-in.”

Do it yourself I gotta save Al-Ettifaq from relegation!!!

Partnership news now and Tottenham Hotspur posted a tweet which violated numerous grammatical laws last week.

 

Shudder.

Anyway, FURSYS are a leading furniture and office solutions provider based in Korea.

The company’s chief executive officer Taehee Sohn said: “Tottenham’s slogan ‘To Dare Is To Do’ perfectly aligns with the spirit of FURSYS GROUP.”

FURSYS specialise in tables, chairs, sofas and bookshelves, but not trophy cabinets. Hence the perfect alignment.

You know when you flippantly say something about your rubbish football team like; ‘It feels like a lifetime ago that they won a bloody match!”

Well…

Yes, it’s one win in 20 Premier League matches for Wolves – and that was against Luton Town at home.

In fact, since the weekend of March 9, Wolves have earned eight points. Burnley have earned 10 in the Premier League since then… and they were relegated in May.

Beleaguered manager Gary O’Neil is running out of excuses. He had injuries to blame at the end of last season, or VAR incompetence, or then a tough fixture list at the start of 2024-25.

Without those reasons to rely on after a disappointing 2-2 draw at home to Crystal Palace last weekend, he switched approach. “All of that dressing room has basically not played many games in the Premier League and we are trying to help them learn on the toughest stage.”

Ah OK, not the most experienced of teams, O’Neil needs a bit of time to get them up to speed.

For the record, Wolves’ XI had 944 Premier League appearances between them.

Row Z might just pick a team at random from last weekend to see how that compares. Let’s look at third-placed Nottingham Forest… well, they only had 853 between them. Blimey. They’ll be top of the league when they finally earn some Our League experience.

How about Brighton in eighth? Yep, 756 for them, 343 of which are for Danny Welbeck alone.

Oh, Gary.

A list of items you would be banned from taking into an English football stadium:

  • Can of Coca-Cola
  • Carton of Ribena
  • Any international flag
  • Medium-sized umbrella
  • Harmonica

Meanwhile, in Brazil…

Save of the week comes from Bearstead FC’s Frankie Leonard in the Southern Counties East Football League.

Caught with his feet in nets, ironically against Fisher, and he still made the save.

And finally, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve had to apologise for lately?

Stockport County were hammered 5-0 at home by Wycombe Wanderers on Tuesday, but match sponsors British Gas still had to name an obligatory man of the match for the hosts.

Midfielder Will Collar drew the short straw and had the temerity to smile when picking up his award of some Stockport gin.

Social media did its thing….

“The smile of a man who had a bet on 5-0 Wycombe.”

“Did they win? Grinning like a Cheshire Cat???”

“How the f*** is anyone smiling after that s***e? He support Wycombe or something?”

Such a pureness and innocence to ‘I always smile during photos’. You carry on Will, lad.

(Top photo: Franck Fife/AFP via Getty Images)



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