Row Z: Ballon d’Or melodrama and an ode to Erik

By
James BAOUCH
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Welcome to the 11th edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.

From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love… 

The Ballon d’Or had become an uneventful procession owing to the dominance of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, but this year’s hysterical melodrama made up for the past 15 years.

Real Madrid showed all the grace and humility of a five-year-old child upset at not being allowed an ice cream, fake crying and throwing themselves on the floor.

Their refusal to attend an event at which they won two awards (club of the year and men’s coach of the year) also definitely had nothing to do with the fact they had been humped 4-0 at home by their bitter rivals a couple of days earlier.

It really comes to something when Michael Owen posts this and is the classy adult in the room.

It was hard to know who was more upset by Rodri (27 goal involvements from defensive midfield for club and country in the voting period) pipping Vinicius Junior (39 goal involvements from a forward position) to the award.

World chess champion Magnus Carlsen?

Some random guy from YouTube who gatecrashes more football events than that salt bloke?

Or Wolverhampton Wanderers midfielder Mario Lemina, who was so distraught that he threatened to retire from the sport in protest.

But above all, there is one person, not Vinicius Jr, not Vinicius Senior, not Mrs Vinicius Jr and not any of the Real Madrid Karens, who will be absolutely devastated…

Judging by his social media silence on the topic, one can only assume Rio Ferdinand is too traumatised to comment and is rocking himself to sleep at night repeating the words “Ballon d’Or, Ballon d’Or” like Hodor defending the door in Game of Thrones.

Next year, Rio. Next year.

An ode to Erik ten Hag, by Row Z

Erik, you were popular but to some you were reptilian.

Probably because you bought Antony for 85 million.

Your tactics were strange, you played with yawning gaps in midfield.

You employed an ageing Christian Eriksen as a defensive shield.

You spent millions on flops, your recruitment was a trainwreck.

You got rid of Ronaldo — and tried to sign Welbeck.

There were thrashings against Brentford and Bournemouth, a 7-0 at Liverpool.

To give you a new contract almost felt quite cruel.

You claimed the Tottenham loss didn’t count because you were down to 10 men.

But by then, you’d already been scythed through by Micky van de Ven.

Your words made no sense, for some they did grate.

Like when you said West Ham created no chances, but their xG was 2.98.

Some will call it failure; 14th and lofty fees.

But lest we ever forget Erik, that you won those two trophies.

It was probably for the best that Ten Hag left, if only to try to preserve the man’s grip on reality.

He signed off with some delirious missives in his final days, like this assessment of the 2-1 defeat against West Ham United that sealed his fate: “We don’t score from a really good game from our side, creating loads of chances (Manchester United’s expected goals tally was 2.12) and conceding no chances (West Ham xG = 2.98).”

Ten Hag also bizarrely denied the existence of the 3-0 loss to Tottenham Hotspur from September.

“No, I denied that game, ignored that game against Spurs, because we were downsized to 10 with a 1-0 losing position. And then the red card was overturned. So I totally ignore that game.”

Brilliant. When something paints you in a bad light, just deny it ever happened even if millions of people witnessed it. Very 2024.

United’s interim boss Ruud van Nistelrooy has gone completely the other way, by making games up.

He said after the 5-2 win over Leicester City in the Carabao Cup: “Five goals, but as I said before, the chances against West Ham, Fenerbahce and QPR, we created so much more.”

QPR? United haven’t played them for nine years, pal. He’ll fit right in.

What’s the most underwhelming half-and-half scarf you’ve ever seen?

And we finish this week with two fine examples of young football fandom.

And this from Aston Villa v Crystal Palace. The kids are alright.

(Top photo: Getty Images)



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